Discipline for Smart People    

People don’t buy from someone they don’t like—at least not in the long run.

In a sense, leaders, teachers, and parents all market.

Leaders market vision and empowerment, teachers market information, and parents market their role-modeling.

Every so often, it pays to reflect on whether you are marketing yourself as you desire.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: May 8, 2008: 7:37 am: By Marvin Marshall

I purchased a mobile phone that has a place for an opening message. I inserted, “smile.” Now each time I open my cell phone, I see that message.

A smile is a small gesture with a powerful impact. In American culture, we’ve come to expect people to smile when we meet them.

The late pianist/comedian Victor Borge put it another way when he described a smile as “the shortest distance between two people.” Greeting someone with a warm smile is the best way to introduce yourself, and it sets the stage beautifully for any discussion that follows.

Check your smile in the mirror. As you step toward it—before you see yourself—smile. Then look at yourself. Is it really a happy smile or a forced smile? Are your eyes smiling? That’s the test of a real smile.

Greeting others with a smile is the easiest approach to start anything with a positive note.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: April 29, 2008: 7:22 am: By Marvin Marshall

Using the word, “not,”rather than the word, “no,” such as “Not now” or “Not this
time” prompts fewer negative feelings than the hearing the absoluteness of “No!”

I received the following e-mail, which reminded me how creative and independent even very young people can be.

“You reminded my of a time when my son, Adam, was two. Every thing was No, No, No! My husband had just had it with him and said, ‘Adam, don’t you say No to me again; I’ve had enough, young man.’ Adam looked at him, full of steam and said, ‘NO’!

“I couldn’t help but start laughing. You are right. ‘Not’ doesn’t have the same effect as ‘No.’”

Thanks for bringing that back to mind.

(Note: I wonder who modeled “No” in the first place!)

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: April 17, 2008: 8:07 am: By Marvin Marshall

Never, never, never tell another person YOUR ASSESSMENT OF THAT PERSON. (This does not refer to a person’s behavior.)

The fact of life is that one never truly knows enough about a person to do that. Recently, overhearing a couple who have been married for many years, I heard the wife say to her husband, “I didn’t expect you to think that way.” She was pleasantly surprised by her husband’s take on a situation.

In this same vein of never completely knowing another person, a very successful teacher told me that her high school counselor told her that she was not smart enough to go to college.

(Although college does require a minimum of academic skills, perseverance is a far better determiner of college success than innate intelligence.)

Certainly the counselor can explain what success in college entails, but by labeling a person as “not smart enough” (although it can spur some people to prove the other person wrong) too often it has a devastating effect because it removes hope, the basic and necessary ingredient for perseverance and success.

The message we should be giving to a person of any age is the main message of Les Brown, one of the most famous of professional speakers who spent his entire school years in special education classes. His message: Don’t let someone else’s opinion of you shape your reality.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: March 31, 2008: 6:50 pm: By Marvin Marshall

The following is from a post at DisciplineWithoutStress@yahoogroups.com.

What a difference this year! By taking this approach my relationship with the students is incredibly wonderful. I have always had a good connection with MOST of my students, but there were always a few who just hated me. Those were the kids who were disruptive. This year, it’s different. The kids know I am about helping them, not about who’s right or wrong, not about who said so, etc. Being new to this, I may not do it right all the time, but the kids get my sincerity.

I had to take a medical leave and was only able to tell the kids on my last day (due to school being canceled). Many students voiced concern, especially because they didn’t know it was going to happen, but one girl in particular represents how this discipline approach has helped me with my relationships with students.

Go back a few weeks. It was only the second week of school and two girls were caught by the assistant principal copying homework from my class. When they came to class, I quietly gave them a self-reflection sheet. Since they are in different periods, I was able to speak privately with each at the end of the hour. In the past I would have done the stereotypical finger wagging lecture about trust, the basic trying to say, “I care about you,” but really just “humiliating you” type thing.

What I did this year was to assure her that I still liked her, that I knew she knew she made a mistake, that I wanted to help her figure out other options she had, and I wanted to help her move up in maturity on the hierarchy. This made ME feel great. Those things I said were always true, I have always felt that way, but now I have some tools to actually make it happen. I felt caring and soft, not shaming and hard.

Ok, now back to telling the kids I was leaving and that day would be the last day. Guess who secretly snuck around the room with an impromptu “We’ll Miss You” card and got everyone to sign it? You guessed it, the girl. She presented it to me at the end of the hour and gave me a hug. Several other students wanted hugs, too.

What can I say!

WOW!

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: March 12, 2008: 1:38 pm: By Marvin Marshall

The brain and body are an integrated system. Feelings and cognition are interrelated and have a significant effect upon learning. If you are a parent, you know this. When your child returns home after the FIRST day of school, you may ask, “How was school?” You also may ask, “What did you learn?” And you most certainly ask, “Do you like your teacher?”

We know from our personal experiences and through research on the workings of the brain that how we feel has a significant effect upon what and how we think and behave. Therefore, IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN TEACHERS AND STUDENTS IS ONE OF THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL REFORMS THAT SCHOOLS CAN INITIATE.

The three practices of self-talking and communicating in positive terms, of empowering by choice, and of using the skill of asking reflective questions are universal and enduring approaches that improve relationships. Examples are in Part II of the teaching model.

Also, more information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: February 5, 2008: 8:20 am: By Marvin Marshall

In order to significantly improve relationships, focus on UNDERSTANDING the other person, rather than attempting to influence that person. You will find that agreement is often achieved more quickly with this approach.

Rather than assuming you know the reasoning behind another person’s viewpoint, ask for an explanation. Using this process, the person articulates the reasoning, and you many find that the person’s reasoning is well-worth considering. You may receive an insight about the other person which will assist you in your discussions and understanding of that person.

Having the other person feel and believe that his/her reasoning is recognized—not necessarily agreed with—can have a dramatic influence on changing opinion.

More ideas on this topic are available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: January 30, 2008: 2:52 pm: By Marvin Marshall

It’s so easy to embrace the negative.

In my seminars I pose the following situation: Suppose your supervisor asks you to stop by the office before leaving for the day.

I then ask people to respond by a raise of hands as to how many immediately engage in negative self-talk, e.g., “What did I do wrong?” The raised hands are unanimous.

But the negative assumption doesn’t have to be created. Consciously or not, this negative self-talk is our own imposition. Compartmentalize it. The supervisor may have a positive communication. Since the subject of the conversation is unknown at the time, a wrong assumption may prompt undue stress.

As an elementary, middle, and high school principal, I engaged in a self-argument: Should I inform the teacher ahead of time when I am going to make an evaluation visit, or should I just stop in unannounced and save the teacher the usual negative anxiety?

I finally decided to use the universal and enduring principal of good relationships: I gave teachers the choice of which they preferred—letting them know when I would be stopping in for an evaluation visit or visiting them without letting them know ahead of time.

Anxiety come from is self-talk, but so does optimism. When I was a classroom teacher and my principal paid me an evaluation visit, my self-talk became, “I have an opportunity here.” How I felt was preceded by what I said to myself. Feelings are the result of what we say to ourselves. Since I always like to feel good, I have made a habit of talking to myself with positivity, thereby avoiding the negative self-talk that often follows uncertainty.

More ideas on this topic are available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: January 15, 2008: 8:38 am: By Marvin Marshall

Studies suggest that smiling makes people appear more attractive, kinder and, by some accounts, easier to remember.

All smiles share something in common: an emotional foundation. Depending upon what the emotion is, the brain sends different instructions to the face. The areas in instigating a polite, or voluntary, smile (the kind exchanged with a bank teller, for example) are not the same ones involved in a more emotional smile (such as the kind that emerges on seeing a loved one or hearing a funny joke).

However, regardless of what prompts a smile, the results are the same. Both you and the recipient are prompted to have good feelings.

Dr. Dale Anderson, M.D. prescribes smiling and even laughing a few minute each day to improve your psychological and emotional state. He will have you prove to yourself that changing your outside features changes your inside features as well.

Here is a simple test. Think of something sad. Now, with that sad thought in mind look up to the ceiling. Smile, and experience how quickly that sad thought disappears. You immediately feel better, and you become more attractive.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: January 8, 2008: 9:01 am: By Marvin Marshall

I received the following e-mail the evening after a recent presentation (reproduced with permission):

“I suspended a defiant student earlier in the week and was dreading having him return to my classroom on Friday. After hearing your inspiring talk, I was able to put my arm around him and walk with him while I asked him what we could do to fix the situation. His idea was to write a contract, which I’m not sure is the best solution.

“However, having him give thought to where to go now seemed to lift his self-esteem and help him be more cooperative in my class. I’m sure that it will take me a lot of trial and error to really ‘get it,’ but your method is what I see as the best path. Thanks so much; it was just what I needed.” –Susan Zahn

My handouts for the presentation can be downloaded from the links at a quick start and dealing with difficult students.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: January 3, 2008: 8:32 am: By Marvin Marshall