Discipline for Smart People    

Here is a simple but highly effective idea to improve relationships:

Periodically ask yourself, “Am I a joy to be around?”

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: July 10, 2008: 7:52 am: By Marvin Marshall

If you ask yourself how you know someone cares for you, one of your responses is likely to be that you know because the person listens to you.

Ask a husband about a good wife, and he is likely to say that he knows his wife cares for him because she listens to what he has to say. Ask a wife about a good husband, and she’ll respond that he listens to her.

When the parent says, “It’s about time you started listening to me,” the youngster may be thinking, “It’s about time you started listening to me.”

Even if we are saying something that is not really worth listening to, we still want someone to listen to us.

Ask a person in a poor relationship why the person feels that way, and the person will say that the other person “doesn’t care about me.” Ask, “How do you know?” and more often then not the response will be, “He doesn’t listen to me.”

Caring and listening are prime sources of good relationships. They are so intertwined that if you experience one, you also experience the other.

More information on this and similar topics are available at the newsletter index.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: June 17, 2008: 7:50 pm: By Marvin Marshall

Make it your habit not to be critical about small things in other people.

More ideas on this topic are available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: June 4, 2008: 7:38 am: By Marvin Marshall

Saying, “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong and you were right,” or “I screwed up” requires a certain amount of security and maturity. Such statements, said in sincerity, are very difficult for some people of the male gender to say. Yet, no other phrase (s) can do more to improve relationships.

When we do not admit an error or a mistake, in a sense, it is a striving for perfection. In the book (pages 150-152) I refer to perfectionism as a burden that no human should ever carry.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: May 26, 2008: 10:49 am: By Marvin Marshall

Have a discussion and perhaps a writing exercise on the following comment by the poet Maya Angelou:

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: May 9, 2008: 7:36 am: By Marvin Marshall

People don’t buy from someone they don’t like—at least not in the long run.

In a sense, leaders, teachers, and parents all market.

Leaders market vision and empowerment, teachers market information, and parents market their role-modeling.

Every so often, it pays to reflect on whether you are marketing yourself as you desire.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: May 8, 2008: 7:37 am: By Marvin Marshall

I purchased a mobile phone that has a place for an opening message. I inserted, “smile.” Now each time I open my cell phone, I see that message.

A smile is a small gesture with a powerful impact. In American culture, we’ve come to expect people to smile when we meet them.

The late pianist/comedian Victor Borge put it another way when he described a smile as “the shortest distance between two people.” Greeting someone with a warm smile is the best way to introduce yourself, and it sets the stage beautifully for any discussion that follows.

Check your smile in the mirror. As you step toward it—before you see yourself—smile. Then look at yourself. Is it really a happy smile or a forced smile? Are your eyes smiling? That’s the test of a real smile.

Greeting others with a smile is the easiest approach to start anything with a positive note.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: April 29, 2008: 7:22 am: By Marvin Marshall

Using the word, “not,”rather than the word, “no,” such as “Not now” or “Not this
time” prompts fewer negative feelings than the hearing the absoluteness of “No!”

I received the following e-mail, which reminded me how creative and independent even very young people can be.

“You reminded my of a time when my son, Adam, was two. Every thing was No, No, No! My husband had just had it with him and said, ‘Adam, don’t you say No to me again; I’ve had enough, young man.’ Adam looked at him, full of steam and said, ‘NO’!

“I couldn’t help but start laughing. You are right. ‘Not’ doesn’t have the same effect as ‘No.’”

Thanks for bringing that back to mind.

(Note: I wonder who modeled “No” in the first place!)

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: April 17, 2008: 8:07 am: By Marvin Marshall

Never, never, never tell another person YOUR ASSESSMENT OF THAT PERSON. (This does not refer to a person’s behavior.)

The fact of life is that one never truly knows enough about a person to do that. Recently, overhearing a couple who have been married for many years, I heard the wife say to her husband, “I didn’t expect you to think that way.” She was pleasantly surprised by her husband’s take on a situation.

In this same vein of never completely knowing another person, a very successful teacher told me that her high school counselor told her that she was not smart enough to go to college.

(Although college does require a minimum of academic skills, perseverance is a far better determiner of college success than innate intelligence.)

Certainly the counselor can explain what success in college entails, but by labeling a person as “not smart enough” (although it can spur some people to prove the other person wrong) too often it has a devastating effect because it removes hope, the basic and necessary ingredient for perseverance and success.

The message we should be giving to a person of any age is the main message of Les Brown, one of the most famous of professional speakers who spent his entire school years in special education classes. His message: Don’t let someone else’s opinion of you shape your reality.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: March 31, 2008: 6:50 pm: By Marvin Marshall

The following is from a post at DisciplineWithoutStress@yahoogroups.com.

What a difference this year! By taking this approach my relationship with the students is incredibly wonderful. I have always had a good connection with MOST of my students, but there were always a few who just hated me. Those were the kids who were disruptive. This year, it’s different. The kids know I am about helping them, not about who’s right or wrong, not about who said so, etc. Being new to this, I may not do it right all the time, but the kids get my sincerity.

I had to take a medical leave and was only able to tell the kids on my last day (due to school being canceled). Many students voiced concern, especially because they didn’t know it was going to happen, but one girl in particular represents how this discipline approach has helped me with my relationships with students.

Go back a few weeks. It was only the second week of school and two girls were caught by the assistant principal copying homework from my class. When they came to class, I quietly gave them a self-reflection sheet. Since they are in different periods, I was able to speak privately with each at the end of the hour. In the past I would have done the stereotypical finger wagging lecture about trust, the basic trying to say, “I care about you,” but really just “humiliating you” type thing.

What I did this year was to assure her that I still liked her, that I knew she knew she made a mistake, that I wanted to help her figure out other options she had, and I wanted to help her move up in maturity on the hierarchy. This made ME feel great. Those things I said were always true, I have always felt that way, but now I have some tools to actually make it happen. I felt caring and soft, not shaming and hard.

Ok, now back to telling the kids I was leaving and that day would be the last day. Guess who secretly snuck around the room with an impromptu “We’ll Miss You” card and got everyone to sign it? You guessed it, the girl. She presented it to me at the end of the hour and gave me a hug. Several other students wanted hugs, too.

What can I say!

WOW!

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: March 12, 2008: 1:38 pm: By Marvin Marshall