Discipline for Smart People    

QUESTION:

I am starting DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS next week. I have the DCBA poster on the wall. But what I need is a list of verbal prompts for me to post, such as “Oops, what shall we do now?” Otherwise, it’s easy to fall back into old patterns of telling—instead of asking—or imposing, instead of eliciting a solution. Anybody have such a thing? I am so excited to try this—but nervous, too.

RESPONSE:

From a post by Kerry:

One of the most challenging things about moving to DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS is remembering to use the three principles of being positive, asking (rather than telling), and empowering by giving choices.

It doesn’t happen overnight, and I don’t think anyone will tell you that you can be an expert when firs starting. We’re all struggling to change previous mindsets, to pause before we blurt out automatic phrases that are negative, to get rid of those “old teacher stares,” and to be proactive instead of reactive. It’s not easy, so just try to take the pressure off yourself by not expecting perfection. That route leads to discouragement.

Instead, just set little goals for yourself. For instance, try for an hour to always respond with a question instead of telling students things. Whenever someone in your class wants to know something, or you want to tell them something, or whenever someone asks you something, see if you can respond with a question.

For example, if a child says, “I found this staple on the floor, what should I do with it?” Ask… “Oh, where would that go?” Or if someone leaves their shoes on the floor of the cloakroom, bring the child over and ask, “Do you see anything that you might need to do here?” Or if someone asks to go for a drink right after recess time, ask, “Is this the time for us to get drinks? When was the time for drinks?”

Try to build choice into the day. This gets you into the habit of using choices so that it will come more naturally during discipline situations. Besides, giving choices to students on a regular basis makes the day more interesting for them. By engaging them through the power of making little decisions, they become more interested in being in the classroom. When they are focused on doing constructive things, misbehaviour is less of an issue. Because they are focused on making choices instead of focused on, “I really don’t want to do this,” life will be smoother for you. My partner, Darlene, is really a master at this. She’s always finding ways to build some choice for the kids into every activity.

For instance, on the morning when it was time to make a cover for a bee report that each child had made step by step in class, she put three colours of poster board up on the chalkboard for the kids to indicate which colour they wanted. She put a question above it asking, “Which colour do you want for your cover?” The kids put up their graphing marker (just a name tag with a magnetic strip on the back). At lunch she cut the covers according to their preferences and after lunch they made the cover. By giving them that little choice in the morning, they were already primed to be interested in the afternoon because they had some personal investment in that cover. In the past, we would have had cut all the covers in just one colour. You’d be surprised how giving them such a little bit of power, focuses them on WANTING to do a project.

When we did a dragons and castles unit, she had them make dragons in a particular art style. In order to introduce some measure of choice, she had them each decide if they would make and then write about a dragon from the Eastern tradition (from Asia) or from the western tradition. In the past, she would have decided which type of dragon everyone would focus on. One day everyone would have done an Eastern dragon and the next day everyone would do a Western dragon.

Because of the understandings we’re gaining from DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, this year she discussed both types first and then offered choices. She mentioned to me how much more the kids were interested in the whole assignment than in previous years and how excited they were by their being able to choose one kind of dragon or the other. Our reluctant writers were re-directed from their usual reluctance toward writing. Instead of focusing on, “I can’t write” or  “I don’t want to write,” they were busy choosing which dragon they cared to write about. Building in little choices engages students. Darlene always asks herself in EVERY SINGLE LESSON now, “How can I give them some little choice?” It’s really kind of amazing. It just takes a little conscious decision to think about giving choices when planning lessons.

Saying things in a positive way IS a challenge! This requires discipline on the teacher’s part, especially if you’re finding that you have a lot of negative responses from the past glued in your brain!  Make use of Marv’s impulse chart YOURSELF:
http://www.marvinmarshall.com/impulsemanagement.html.

Before you respond in any way… take a breath and THINK first. It isn’t easy at first, but it does come more naturally once you force yourself to practice. For me personally, this is the hardest of the three principles. Once again, set yourself a small goal. Can I go for 30 minutes and respond with positivity to everything that happens (even negative things)? Taking the pause to consider what you’re going to say is the key!

A long time ago, I posted some questions that we have found successful with various kids along the way during the “Checking for Understanding Phase” of DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS. They are reposted here, in case they’re useful to you:

Some reflective questions that we find work for us:

–Is this going to get you what you want?
–Is this going to move you forward or backward?
–What can I do to help you?
–Are you going to let this (situation, person, problem, setback, disappointment etc.) hold you back?
–Are you going to be able to rise above this_______  (situation,  disappointment, etc.)?
–Look at _______’s face. How is he/she feeling right now as a result of (what you have done/said)?
–Are you making a friend or pushing a friend away?
–What would a ________ (mature, kind, reliable, responsible, extraordinary) person do now?
–Now that you’ve __________, how can you repair the situation?
–Think, when you _____________what kind of a relationship  are you creating with ________
(me? the Noon Hour Supervisor? other kids? the adults in the school?)
–What kind of impression are you making on all the people here when you _______? Is this the impression you want to make?
–Can you picture yourself doing_______(a very specific procedure)?
–When you __________what pictures are you creating about yourself in the mind of your (friends? teachers? adults in our school?)
–Is what you’re doing going to make you happy in the long run? Is there a happier choice?
–Here’s an opportunity for you to _____________(act on a high level, try a new challenge, be a kind friend, show some initiative, etc.).
–If you continue down this path of doing what you’re doing, what will likely happen/result?
–Does it feel as if we’re moving forward here, or does if feel as if we’re stuck? What would you have to do if you wanted to move forward in this situation?
–Would you be willing to try that again at a higher level?
–Would you like another opportunity to do that again at a higher level?
–Would you be kind enough to allow ________the opportunity to try that again at a higher level?
–Is what you’re doing __________(safe? on a high level? kind? appropriate? helpful? respectful?)
–How might you feel if someone else did that to you?
–Who do you want to be in charge of you or have someone else boss you?
–Who do you want to be your boss?
–Think to yourself of someone in our class who generally operates on a very high level. What would that person do now in your situation?
–When a child is ready to give up too soon: If you feel you can’t do any more right now, when can you
plan to do it?

After someone has acknowledged Level B behaviour:
–Do you want me to be a Level B teacher?
–What would a Level B teacher probably do now?-
–Is this what you would like me to do?
–What can you do so that I don’t have to be a Level B teacher?

MM’s comment:

Focusing on obedience aims at physical and superficial aspects of behavior. In contrast, DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS aims at the brain’s cognition—which, in turn, prompts emotion and empowerment. For example, someone compliments you and a positive feeling follows. In contrast, when someone blames, criticizes, complains, nags, threatens, or punishes you, a negative feeling erupts.

Empowerment has a positive effect and can create commitment whereas obedience rarely creates commitment. It is a simple fact of life that OBEDIENCE DOES NOT CREATE DESIRE.

DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS actuates people to WANT to behave appropriately and WANT to put forward effort to learn.

More of Kerry’s posts are available at DisciplineAnswers.com.

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Posted In: Discipline without Stress On: December 12, 2008: 2:27 pm: By Marvin Marshall

20th century parent to child regarding self-discipline:

“Eat your food. Think of all the starving people in India and China.”

21st century parent to child:

“Do your homework—or someone in India or China may get  your job.”

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Posted In: Promoting Learning On: December 11, 2008: 8:56 am: By Marvin Marshall

As a teacher, I’ve been on a journey my whole 12-year career and I’m finding parenting is a similar type of journey.

I am reading the book right now and have already tried some things on my 3-1/2 year old daughter this weekend. I have quite a strong-willed child who has hit the terrible 3’s. (The 2’s were so much easier for my husband and me.) I’ve always used choices with her for discipline, which makes life simpler, but I didn’t use contingencies—just, “If you don’t clean up then you can’t go to the park.” Saying, “If you clean up, you can go to the park,” sounds so much better and works much faster with her. But I have to stop and think a great deal to decide how I’m going to phrase things.

Just now as she sat on the floor with our pit bull—he just wants to be near her but she treats him as a sibling—he’s touching me, he’s in my way, etc. She started having a fit about him. I just told her very nonchalantly that if you leave him alone you can stay in your spot. (She had a bed tray with her pizza on it watching her favorite show.) She said nothing more and even cradled his head and has been fine ever since. Before we would have gotten on her about being nice to him, stop pushing him away, etc.

I told her earlier when she cleaned up her toys, we could go to the park. She’s never moved so fast. It’s amazing!

Cathy Marlow

Additional discipline information my be helpful at the impulse control link.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: December 8, 2008: 8:49 am: By Marvin Marshall

From an e-mail I  received:

Your comment about discipline and how to work with youngsters reminded me of a time when my son, Adam, was two years old. Every thing out of his mouth was No, No, No!

My husband had just had it with him and said, “Adam, don’t you say ‘No’ to me again; I’ve had enough young man.”

Adam looked at him, full of steam and said, “NOT!”

I couldn’t help but start laughing. You are right. “Not” doesn’t have the same effect as “No.”

Thanks for bringing that back to mind.

Sabrina Boehm

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: December 5, 2008: 8:19 am: By Marvin Marshall

The following is from an e-mail I received after presenting in Dearborn, Michigan:

You taught the teachers at my school (The  Dearborn Academy) about several
ways to increase responsibility and self-discipline in our students.

I am happy to tell you that many teachers implemented their new skills
in their classes today. I used several myself. Two times today students a
asked me what to do. I asked them what they thought they should do.
Both times they said that they  didn’t know, and both times I replied with,
“Well if you knew what to do, what would it be?”

I was happy to hear both of the students tell me exactly what they were
supposed to do. It worked!

I am very thankful for your visit to our school.
I think it will be a great help for myself and my students.

Kristina Caldwell

Other reflective questions to prompt responsibility and learning are at this site.

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Posted In: Promoting Responsibility On: December 4, 2008: 9:50 am: By Marvin Marshall

While presenting in Warren, New Jersey, I had the pleasure of meeting Vanita Braver, M.D., a child and adolescent psychiatrist. She  sent me her first two books from her planned nine book series, “Teach Your Children Well.” Since the foundation of my approach is to foster responsibility and since I present and keynote at many character education conferences, I was delighted after reading these first two books from the series.

When Dr. Braver first showed me the manuscript, I sent her the following endorsement:

Children who have low self-esteem are unhappy children.
They are unhappy because they think negative thoughts
about themselves. An excellent approach to changing this
way of thinking is to expose them to stories that teach
how doing the right thing feels better than doing the
wrong thing. Child and adolescent psychiatrist Vanita
Braver, M.D., has written a series of stories that
inspire values of character to accomplish this most
challenging of tasks.

I highly recommend “Teach Your Children Well” beginning
with “Pinky Promise.”

“Pinky Promise” the first book, is a story illustrating the values of honesty. “Party Princess,” the second book, is a story illustrating how a young girl resolved her own conflict after getting herself into a messy situation.

Both books are designed for children from four to eight. They teach values and virtues that enhance both character development and emotional health. Part of the proceeds for each delightfully illustrated and inexpensive book goes to the Child Welfare League of America.

You can learn more about the books at drvanitabraver.com.

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Posted In: Promoting Responsibility On: December 3, 2008: 8:36 am: By Marvin Marshall

“All of my students can now recognize their own chosen level and label it appropriately. They know almost instantly when they need to make a better discipline choice. This takes much less time away from instruction and keeps the classroom climate stress-free and positive.”

Dianne Capell, Department of Defense Primary Music Teacher
Formerly of Ikego Elementary School, Zushi, Japan
Currently using  Discipline Without Stress in Naples, Italy

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Posted In: Discipline without Stress On: December 2, 2008: 8:31 am: By Marvin Marshall

QUESTION:

Hi Marv!
I am a bit concerned about how I go about using DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS with developmentally delayed 3 - 5 year olds. Basically, my class will be filled with developmental levels ranging from 18 months to 3 yrs. Any suggestions? Thanks!

RESPONSE:

I suggest what you are already doing, viz., have patience, teach procedures, have students practice them, challenge them to improve, and acknowledge them on their actions when they do. These and continual encouragement of what they are doing right will help develop habits of self-discipline.

The one addition would be—after teaching a procedure—to ask your students to SHOW YOU, rather than our usual inclination to just SHOW THEM.

If you have ever taken a computer course (or been coached on one, or a musical instrument, or some athletic activity, or have had someone show you how to do something), you have experienced what any learning involves: The activity must be EXPERIENCED by the LEARNER.

Because we teach doesn’t mean students have learned. Much the same way that just because we know what to do doesn’t mean we do it.

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Posted In: Promoting Learning On: December 1, 2008: 10:33 am: By Marvin Marshall

A major faulty assumption of many teachers—especially middle and high school teachers—is to assume that students know WHAT and HOW TO DO what teachers desire. The following are examples of procedures that teachers should consider establishing. They should be prioritized and not attempted all at once. Procedures precede product. This simply means that the more procedures are taught before content, the more effective the teaching and the fewer behavior and discipline problems will result.

Procedures that I established include:

1. How students enter the classroom.
2. Activities when first entering the classroom. (Students should ALWAYS do something that raises curiosity; piques interest; reinforces/reviews; or  practices a skill, e.g., journal writing. DEAD TIME IS DEADLY TIME.)
3. How to take roll while students engage in some activity.
4. How to obtain students’ attention in 10 seconds or less.
5. What to do when it is necessary to use the restroom.
6. What to do when an assignment is finished early.
7. How to find directions for each class activity center.
8. What students do when they have questions or want assistance.
9. How papers will be collected and where to put them.
10. How to smoothly transition from one activity to another.
11. How to work in groups. (Who has which responsibility?  How to change groups, etc.)
12. How and when to move around the room.
13. How to use classroom materials and where to find them.
14. What to do when tardy.
15. What to do when returning from an absence.
16. How to get materials without disturbing others.
17. How to discard papers without disturbing others.
18. How to get ready for the library and other locations.
19. How to get ready for dismissal.
20. How the class will be dismissed (bell or teacher).

A note of clarity for those using Discipline Without Stress. Refer to the Hierarchy.

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Posted In: Promoting Learning On: November 30, 2008: 1:40 pm: By Marvin Marshall

One of the most perceptive comments ever made to me was stated in an elevator. I was at a conference of the National Speakers Association and found myself in an elevator with Nick Carter who had worked with the dean of personal motivation, Earl Nightingale. During our elevator ride, Nick made a most interesting comment to me: “We run our life by procedures.”

I immediately thought about the procedures I use in my personal life and then reflected on procedures I used as a classroom teacher (primary, upper elementary, and every grade 7-12). Whenever a student(s) did something that irked me—that could be considered a “discipline problem”—I would establish a procedure. For example, when I suddenly heard the pencil sharpener being used while I was talking, I taught a procedure. I simply had the student place the pencil in a raised hand. This indicated to me the desire to sharpen a pencil. When I was finished with the idea I was teaching, I nodded to the student indicating that this would be an appropriate time to sharpen the pencil. Similarly, when I heard the crumpling of paper—I know not why I found the sound disturbing—I asked myself, “What procedure can I establish to halt this bothersome noise?” I settled on teaching students to fold the paper lengthwise, like a hot dog. This procedure makes no noise, takes up no room on the desk, and takes up less room than crumpled paper in the waste paper basket that was circulated before the end of each period.

In the realm of classroom teaching, those teachers who are most successful establish procedures, practice them, and reinforce them to the point that they become routines.

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Posted In: Promoting Learning On: November 29, 2008: 12:52 pm: By Marvin Marshall