Discipline for Smart People    

At the conclusion of the academic year in the U.S.A. and the start of summer vacation in many schools, it seems a proper time to review two significant characteristics of the approaches I recommend that are different from most others.

CHARACTERISTIC I:
ACTING REFLEXIVELY vs. ACTING REFLECTIVELY

You are at home and the telephone rings. You answer it. Assume for a moment that you are NOT familiar with choice-response thinking. If I were to query you why you answered the phone, most would say—in one way or another—that the phone was a stimulus and answering it was the response.

Now, let’s assume that you are at home watching a television program that you had been looking forward to seeing. You are totally engaged in a dramatic scene and the phone rings. Would you disrupt your involvement in the program to answer it?

In this situation, some people would answer the phone—perhaps because they would have acted REFLEXIVELY. Others would let the telephone answering device record the message for them to check the message later. The latter group would have acted REFLECTIVELY.

Answering a phone is a voluntary act. No one forces people to react one way or another to the ringing of a telephone. In essence, the ringing of the phone is simply information. In the example above, a CHOICE was made to answer or not to answer when the ring was heard.

The first significant characteristic, then, is the understanding that with any situation, or stimulation, or urge, humans have the ability to make a choice—either reflexively or reflectively. The stimulus DOES NOT CAUSE the response. In the situation with the telephone or stopping at a red light, the stimulus is simply information that one chooses or does not choose to act on.

The problem arises only when—by extrapolation—we assume that the phone or a red light CAUSED the action. This psychology of “stimulus-response” is believed by many as the way to control or influence others.

To borrow from Stephen R. Covey, the “jackass” approach of the carrot and stick is a poor way to deal with humans.

CHARACTERISTIC II:
CONTROLLING PEOPLE vs. INFLUENCING PEOPLE

Because controllees have low motivation to carry out decisions IMPOSED on them, as scores of research have documented, enforcement is both difficult and time-consuming. This is very evident in schools where teachers spend so much classroom time “playing police”—enforcing rules.

Aiming at controlling people is really focusing on controlling the body and hoping the brain follows. In contrast, aiming at the brain and having the body follow is less stressful and far more effective.

Controlling people aims at obedience. Except where the relationship is so strong that the controllee feels that the control is in his or her own best interest, control rarely brings either desire or commitment.

Control is only temporary. In the final analysis, people change themselves. The most effective way to actuate change in others is through enlightened leadership. This type of leader leads through the vision they project and the manner in which they treat others.

Successful leaders empower, not overpower. They are positive, not negative. They encourage others by sharing their own expectations, not by telling others what to do. These leaders treat people with dignity and respect knowing that people will reflect and make choices that meet the leader’s expectations.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Promoting Learning On: May 30, 2008: 8:05 am: By Marvin Marshall

In June, 2002 I subscribed to your monthly online newsletter back when the circulation was just over 1800. Your newsletter quickly became a regular part of our staff meeting discussions. Teachers subscribed, and the way our classrooms and school worked together began to change as we embraced your work and implemented your ideas.

At the start of 2005, I presented each of my teachers with their own copy of “Discipline without Stress, Punishments or Rewards” and regularly include tips from your “Tips for Parents” in our school newsletters—all with positive feedback on how simple and effective your ideas are—without stress, punishments or rewards!

Promoting responsibility, sending positive messages, offering choices, and encouraging reflection allows Upokongaro School to be truly learner focused. We pride ourselves on our calm relaxed atmosphere where children are guided to become self responsible with their behaviour and in their learning.

For us, this is the greatest gift we can give learners to ensure their ongoing success, love of learning and oflife—seeing what they can become.

Your work and ideas have made such a positive difference for me personally and for everyone at Upokongaro School.

Thank you for making a difference for Upokongaro School.

Regards,

Naomi White, Principal
Upokongaro School
Wanganui, New Zealand

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Discipline without Stress On: May 29, 2008: 8:08 am: By Marvin Marshall

QUESTION:

I am a first-year home schooling mom. I have a self-motivated third grade boy who also has Sensory Integration Disorder. I also have a fifth grade girl who struggles with staying focused and would rather read all day.

My biggest struggle this year has been our morning routine. My daughter, who is very bright, has difficulty staying within the parameters of time set out for her. The routine set out is to be done in 1 1/2 hours. Many days this goes to two hours or more.

Her routine is written out for her step by step and I feel that it is very realistic. My desire is to start school at 8:00 a.m., but this rarely happens for her. She will use a timer to be able to limit her shower and eating time, but it is not enough to get us within the 1 1/2 hour limit. I am tempted to and have slipped into giving consequences, but they don’t last and are not effective. If you can offer any assistance in helping us achieve this goal for her, I am confident she will feel better about herself and our days overall will be more effective.

Thanks for your service to raising the quality of life in children’s lives.

Sincerely,

JoAnn

MY RESPONSE:

ELICIT from her a consequence that will help her help herself. ELICITING is the key. If you IMPOSE a consequence, she will have no ownership in it and, as you found, it will not be very effective.

Have her continually repeat to herself her new mantra:
If I follow my procedures, I will become ____________.
If I do not follow my procedures, my self-imposed consequences will be_____________?”

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Discipline without Stress On: May 28, 2008: 7:38 am: By Marvin Marshall

Asking, “Why?” is an INeffective question when it relates to behavior.

For example, the answer to asking a young person, “Why are you doing that?” will prompt answers such as, “I don’t know” or an excuse, such as, “I have ADD.”

In contrast, asking a student, “Why are you LEARNING that?” and receiving a similar response, “I don’t know,” is a reflection on the teacher, not on the student.

Sharing the “why” for something you would like young people to learn is an extremely effective teaching technique for promoting learning and effort. It becomes “purpose driven,” which, in turn,
—prompts self motivation,
—sustains that motivation,
—diminishes resistance, and
—enhances better decisions.

When you reflect on this idea, you will quickly realize that the principle of explaining the” why” holds true in any leadership, teaching, or parenting situation.

A teacher and I discussed this idea. As a challenge, she asked, “Why study World War II?” My impromptu response:
—to learn about the quest for power
—to learn that economics has nothing to do with morality
—to learn how previous political decisions affect history
—to learn that appeasement invites aggressive behavior
—to learn that any situation must be viewed in context, suggesting that Gandhi’s approach would only work in democracies, that it would be short lived in Japan’s imperial quest or Germany’s Nazism.

History teachers can list a plethora of additional reasons to make the topic worthy of study.

My point, however, is that a teacher’s sharing with students the “why” to the importance of the topic (1) challenges the teacher to reflect on the reasons it is in the curriculum (thereby promoting enthusiasm for the teacher) and (2) sharing it is an effective approach for reducing student apathy towards learning the topic.

“What’s in it for me?” is the intuitive question asked by any purchaser, and that is the reason that successful marketers always talk in terms of the “sizzle” rather than the steak—the BENEFITS, rather than the FEATURES.

Teachers are marketers of information, knowledge, learning, character development and a host of other FEATURES that bring BENEFITS to their students. Most educators just don’t think of themselves as marketers. But imagine how learning could be so much more effective if we did!

Or to think of it another way, how successful would marketers and advertisers be if they told their clients to just put merchandise on the shelves? Forget about the benefits. After all won’t consumers purchase what you want them to buy just because you present it to them? Isn’t it their obligation?

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Promoting Learning On: May 27, 2008: 7:28 am: By Marvin Marshall

Saying, “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong and you were right,” or “I screwed up” requires a certain amount of security and maturity. Such statements, said in sincerity, are very difficult for some people of the male gender to say. Yet, no other phrase (s) can do more to improve relationships.

When we do not admit an error or a mistake, in a sense, it is a striving for perfection. In the book (pages 150-152) I refer to perfectionism as a burden that no human should ever carry.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: May 26, 2008: 10:49 am: By Marvin Marshall

At a conference of the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development (ASCD), a high school principal commented to me as he pointed to hundreds of exhibits of books, technology, and teaching materials around the vast exhibit hall, “None of these address the first and most critical component of classroom teaching: CONNECTING!”
———–
Gordon Neufeld, a Vancouver, Canada based clinical psychologist directly addresses this concept. He speaks about attachment and its necessity for young people to feel attached until they are able to function independently.

Since attachment facilitates dependence, I prefer to use the term “connectedness.”

Dr. Neufeld cites an interesting procedure many teachers and parents use with young people. It’s called “time-out.” He makes the point that this approach sends the message that separation is a more effective teacher than relationships.

Separation is the most wounding of all relationships. Dr. Neufeld refers to separation as being insidious because it is subtle in its harmful effects.

Dr. Neufeld states that oftentimes, if time-out is necessary, it is the adult who needs it because the adult is the one who is bothered or angry.

He suggests using discipline that does not divide or separate. Keeping connected is a foundational characteristic of DisciplineWithoutStress.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Increasing Effectiveness On: May 23, 2008: 8:36 am: By Marvin Marshall

“What Would Shaq Do?” is an outgrowth from a previous post. Bob Sullivan, who is consulting with an inner city school, applied the idea with a boy who was pushing in the cafeteria line. As the principal was then attending to other students, Bob began talking with the student—who has a difficult home life—and found out that he liked basketball and that Shaquille O’Neal was his favorite player.

Later when teaching the staff about “Impulse Management” using the traffic signal poster, he used Shaq as a model to choose a good option when agitated.

Shaquille O’Neal is a professional basketball player in a league that has the greatest athletes in the world. He is a big man, seven feet-one inch tall and weighs 330 pounds. He is very strong but agile, possessing a variety of athletic moves around the basket.

But what makes him special is his attitude on the basketball court. This combination of skill and attitude makes it almost impossible for the other teams to keep him from scoring. Opposing players hang on his arms and hit him in the face and neck as they swing wildly, attempting to make him miss the shot.

How does this superstar react to the rough play? A few years ago some teams planned a strategy to stop him called the “Shaq Attack.” Because Shaquille is not a good free throw shooter, their idea was to foul him every time he went up for a shot.

WHAT WOULD SHAQ DO? Before every game he considered his options. He could get angry. He could hit back. He could push defenders away with one hand and shoot with the other. But all of these options would hurt his team by getting him in foul trouble or thrown out of the game. So he made the decision to stay in control and focus on making the basket even though he knew he was going to get fouled hard. He also decided to look at himself and work extra hard to improve himself and become a better free throw shooter.

The “Shaq Attack” is not used anymore because one man stayed in control and became the victor in a situation that could have kept him and his team from becoming champions.

So when things don’t go your way and you start blaming others or are about to make a poor decision, ask yourself, “WHAT WOULD SHAQ DO?”

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Promoting Learning On: May 22, 2008: 12:49 pm: By Marvin Marshall

I received a communication from a school that was implementing my approach and queried about (1) the use of forms and (2) administrative back up.

1) Use of forms:

I explained that when I first developed the Raise Responsibility System, I used the essay and self-diagnostic forms.

I used the essay form to have a student reflect:
(1) What did I do? (Acknowledgment),
(2) What can I do to prevent it from happening again? (Choice), and
(3) What will I do? (Commitment) (page 274 in the book)
(Forms were never used in primary grades.)

If misbehavior continued, then the Self-Diagnostic Referral would be used
(page 275 or 276–depending upon the grade level).

Every day was treated as a new day, and if the student acted on level A/B on a second day, then an essay would be assigned to stop the lesson interruption and again have the student reflect. The essay was always given before a Self-Diagnostic Referral was used.

I relied on the forms less often as I started to elicit a procedure to help students help themselves.

2) Administrative back up:

As the person in charge of discipline in an elementary school, middle school and high school, my philosophy was different from that when I was classroom teacher (elemntary, middle, and high school).

When a teacher sent a student to the office, I would be sure never to send the student back the same day in a middle school or high school situation, and only after a long respite on the elementary level. I believed that both the teacher and student needed a break from each other.

However, when a student was sent to my office, the teacher was communicating to me that the teacher had done all that was possible and needed administrative assistance. I then used my knowledge of the student and of the family to enforce both school standards and assist the student not to repeat the inappropriate or irresponsible behavior. Here is the main point: I did not see my role as doing the classroom teacher’s bidding.

In my mind, administrative back up seeks to resolve a situation that assists the teacher to help the student become more responsible.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Discipline without Stress On: May 19, 2008: 7:50 am: By Marvin Marshall

I received the following in a recent e-mail:

“I am a principal of an educational program in a juvenile detention facility in Pittsburgh. I have read your book six times and I continue to learn more each time I read it. I also bought 15 copies for teachers to read. Your newsletters are also a great reminder of how to work positively with students.

“Last year, I started a Choices program for those students with challenging behaviors. After developing the philosophy and procedures of the program, our program contracted with a behavioral specialist to be in charge of the Choices Room.

“In the school, we use four levels of expectations that are color coded. Students are taught the expectations and it is reviewed every Monday with the teachers. Students that choose not to participate in the school program by not adhering to the expectations are assigned to the Choices Room. The school has a Dean of Students who works with students to help them succeed in school. However, if the student continues to ignore the expectations, the Dean will then assign the student to the Choices room.

“In the Choices room, the student works with the behavioral specialist with some academics but mostly in a reflection of their behaviors. The student is responsible to acknowledge their behaviors, reflect on their behaviors and develop a plan before they can reenter the school program. It is all about helping the student make appropriate choices and helping students become successful. This program has been great!”

Joe Lachowicz, Principal
Shuman Center Education Program
(Used and included with permission)

More testimonials like this are at  http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Promoting Responsibility On: May 13, 2008: 7:21 am: By Marvin Marshall

Our faculty is “on board” and we have purchased your book for nearly all of them. I also have joined the DisciplineWithoutStress Mailring and found it a wonderful resource as well.

Some teachers are experiencing a loss of comfort level when first starting. Any suggestions?

RESPONSE:

Anything new is different and has an effect on one’s feeling and comfort. Most adults naturally prefer something with which they are comfortable rather than doing something in a different way. Anything new to adults feels odd at first—until new neural connections become well established.

People who use the approach of being positive (instead of being negative negative), offering choices (instead of attempting to dominate), and asking reflective questions (rather than telling) soon discover how much more effective they themselves become, how their stress is reduced, how their relationships improve, and how much more enjoyable life becomes.

To quote Phelps Wilkins, a principal in Mesa, Arizona:

“The teachers who incorporate Dr. Marshall’s principles are sad at the end of the school year because they don’t want their students to leave. The ones who do not use the system can’t wait for the school year to end!”

The practices are not established just by thinking of them.
WITHOUT PRACTICING THEM, THEY REMAIN JUST THOUGHTS.

I am guided by my own experiences. I have found that “with the risk comes the reward.” Trying something different promotes self-growth. This type of growth is one of the pleasures of living.

Then there is that section in the book about reducing perfectionism: YOU CANNOT LEARN AND BE PERFECT AT THE SAME TIME. (p.150) Therefore, I am not afraid of making mistakes. I view them as learning experiences—which naturally makes them more comfortable.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Discipline without Stress On: May 12, 2008: 2:14 pm: By Marvin Marshall