Discipline for Smart People    

Never, never, never tell another person YOUR ASSESSMENT OF THAT PERSON. (This does not refer to a person’s behavior.)

The fact of life is that one never truly knows enough about a person to do that. Recently, overhearing a couple who have been married for many years, I heard the wife say to her husband, “I didn’t expect you to think that way.” She was pleasantly surprised by her husband’s take on a situation.

In this same vein of never completely knowing another person, a very successful teacher told me that her high school counselor told her that she was not smart enough to go to college.

(Although college does require a minimum of academic skills, perseverance is a far better determiner of college success than innate intelligence.)

Certainly the counselor can explain what success in college entails, but by labeling a person as “not smart enough” (although it can spur some people to prove the other person wrong) too often it has a devastating effect because it removes hope, the basic and necessary ingredient for perseverance and success.

The message we should be giving to a person of any age is the main message of Les Brown, one of the most famous of professional speakers who spent his entire school years in special education classes. His message: Don’t let someone else’s opinion of you shape your reality.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: March 31, 2008: 6:50 pm: By Marvin Marshall

When travelling to South Africa with a group of school administrators, I personally experienced the power of how our thinking controls our feelings.

I was chosen as one of two among 35 delegates to make a presentation. Due to various stories of lost and poor handling of luggage in Johannesburg, the group was discouraged from checking in any suitcases. It was suggested to travel only with carry-on luggage. This meant that I could bring a minimum of handouts. The one I chose was my teaching model.

After my presentation, an administrator told me that it was unprofessional to attempt to sell my program.

My website is loaded with information, all of which is FREE—with the exception of my book, posters, and cards. My monthly newsletter is free, and I grant permission for anyone to use and even duplicate anything from my websites, including all of my articles. I have even started a nonprofit public charitable organization to help low economic schools receive free books, free staff development packages and, depending on geography, free staff training. See www.disciplinewithoutstress.org. How could this man think the way he did—that I was trying to make a profit by selling?

I was so startled that I actually became depressed for the next two hours. Finally, I think I hit upon what prompted his comment to me. For whatever reason, many educators believe that education should not be a “for profit” endeavor and/or people do not like to be sold to. My intent was to share with South African educators a teaching model that could assist them with two of their major problems—inappropriate behavior and motivating students. Yet, in this man’s thinking, I was “selling” my program.

When I thought about this, my self-talk became, “In a sense, I was selling my program. The vast majority of my efforts in the last number of years has been devoted to helping improve teachers’ joy in the classroom and students’ learning how to behave more responsibly and become more motivated to learn. Yes, I was selling my approach of teaching and learning—EVEN THOUGH IT’S ALL FREE!”

As soon as this thought entered my mind, I could actually feel my body change. THIS THINKING CHANGED MY FEELINGS. I immediately felt empowered, and my spirits dramatically rose. I had just undergone a very personal experience demonstrating how one’s self-talk creates one’s reality—right out of the first paragraph in my book.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Increasing Effectiveness On: March 23, 2008: 9:44 am: By Marvin Marshall

A teacher posted a request at DisciplineWithoutStress@yahoogroups.com. The teacher had a very challenging youngster and requested others to share some ideas working with very difficult young students.

Following is one teacher’s response. HER IDEA IS WELL WORTH YOUR READING IF YOU ARE A TEACHER OR PARENT WORKING WITH A VERY CHALLENGING YOUNG PERSON.

“This is my second year using DWS (Discipline without Stress). I have a first grader this year who has exhibited many of the behaviors that you listed. I have used behavior sheets, given out laps, writing sentences, separated him from the group even using a science fair display board and then ultimately had to suspend him for a short time. NOTHING was working with him. He was speaking or shouting out in the classroom and restroom, singing loudly, constantly interrupting me during class with another grade (I teach multigrade 1-8), just generally disrupting the entire class. I was at my wits’ end with him, and we were nearly ready to expel him as he was disturbing the other students and interfering with their learning.

“This lad came to me as an uncivilized young one.

“One evening I had an inspiration to use tangible items to show him when he is interrupting or disrupting people. I chose clothespins to use, as these can easily be clipped together for ease of distribution, name-identified, etc. So as not to single out this one student, I give four clothespins to the lower grade students (Grades 1-3) at the beginning of the school day. These clothespins have the students’ names written on them and are clipped together, making a square. Students put them on top of their desks, where they are readily visible and accessible. When a student interrupts me or disrupts the class or another student, I quietly ask for a clothespin. At the end of the day, I give a small token to those students who still have four clothespins. The token may be a sticker, an eraser, etc. It has worked miracles for this especially disruptive student.

“His mother and grandmother are so happy with his new and improved behavior! Even his pastor says that he can see a difference in him at church! Hallelujah!

“The clothespins give him something tangible to attach to an undesirable behavior, of which he was not even aware, and then make a better choice. He is prompted to make the decision, ‘Is this worth losing a clothespin over—do I really need to interrupt another student or the teacher, or can I figure this out on my own?’

“It actually allows him to label his behavior, analyze it, and then make a choice about his behavior. It has worked wonders for him and I am still sane, as are the other students in our classroom.

“I hope this may offer you something to try. It may not be totally with DWS, but I AM BEGINNING TO “WEAN” THE CLASS OFF THE CLOTHESPINS ALREADY, NOT GIVING THEM OUT 2 DAYS LAST WEEK. STUDENTS WERE FINE WITHOUT THEM!”

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Promoting Responsibility On: March 21, 2008: 10:06 am: By Marvin Marshall

The following is from a post at DisciplineWithoutStress@yahoogroups.com.

What a difference this year! By taking this approach my relationship with the students is incredibly wonderful. I have always had a good connection with MOST of my students, but there were always a few who just hated me. Those were the kids who were disruptive. This year, it’s different. The kids know I am about helping them, not about who’s right or wrong, not about who said so, etc. Being new to this, I may not do it right all the time, but the kids get my sincerity.

I had to take a medical leave and was only able to tell the kids on my last day (due to school being canceled). Many students voiced concern, especially because they didn’t know it was going to happen, but one girl in particular represents how this discipline approach has helped me with my relationships with students.

Go back a few weeks. It was only the second week of school and two girls were caught by the assistant principal copying homework from my class. When they came to class, I quietly gave them a self-reflection sheet. Since they are in different periods, I was able to speak privately with each at the end of the hour. In the past I would have done the stereotypical finger wagging lecture about trust, the basic trying to say, “I care about you,” but really just “humiliating you” type thing.

What I did this year was to assure her that I still liked her, that I knew she knew she made a mistake, that I wanted to help her figure out other options she had, and I wanted to help her move up in maturity on the hierarchy. This made ME feel great. Those things I said were always true, I have always felt that way, but now I have some tools to actually make it happen. I felt caring and soft, not shaming and hard.

Ok, now back to telling the kids I was leaving and that day would be the last day. Guess who secretly snuck around the room with an impromptu “We’ll Miss You” card and got everyone to sign it? You guessed it, the girl. She presented it to me at the end of the hour and gave me a hug. Several other students wanted hugs, too.

What can I say!

WOW!

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: March 12, 2008: 1:38 pm: By Marvin Marshall

When I recently presented in Sacramento, California, one of the participants told me that he had attended one of my seminars in Sacramento several years previously and that he uses the levels of development in various situations—including those when he assists the local police. I asked Frank to share with attendees how he uses the program after arresting a youth and transporting that young person to the police department.

Frank starts by being proactive. He explains the levels of social development, and he then informs the person that it is the person’s choice as to how he/she will be treated upon arrival at the destination. Frank explains that operating on level A or B will prompt the authorities to BOSS the person—under the premise that the person behaving on these levels only obeys someone who has or uses greater authority. However, if the person chooses one of the higher levels, that person will be treated with respect. As a result, life will be much easier for all concerned.

Frank emphasizes to the person to be aware that the level chosen is the PERSON’S OWN CHOICE and that this choice will have an effect upon how he/she is treated by the police officers at the station.

Frank wrote me:

If it is a student or a subject I place under arrest, I ask if the person is enjoying MY being in control of their situation or whether the person would rather be in control of him/herself. Most of the time the answer is the same: “I don’t like this, and I want to be in control.”

I then explain each level and the consequences of choosing each level.

When they see that their behavior is at the bullying level—and then that the authority figure must in turn exercise this level on them—they realize that they really want to be at the conformity or cooperation level.

I get them to commit to that verbally and then have them teach me what conformity/cooperation looks like to them.

I repeat to them that they admitted not liking to be controlled by me or others. They again repeat this answer verbally. I ask again if they are sure that they want to control their future decisions.

At this point I ask what did they really want when they broke the rule or procedure. The answers vary to this question. I have heard many intimate things in this portion of the conversation.

Before I leave them, I tell every person with whom I have this interaction, “You are in control of your decisions. You are in control of the outcome.”

I ask them to conform for three weeks or 21 days. Of everyone who has done this, I never see or hear about again.

Frank Spino
Grant Joint Union High School District
Sacramento, California

More information on this topic is available at the hierarchy link at  http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Discipline without Stress On: March 11, 2008: 7:21 am: By Marvin Marshall

All students have two questions when they first enter any classroom:
(1) Will I fit in?
(2) Will I succeed?

Following are two simple ways to empower students so that their SELF-TALK will be in the affirmative:

For the first, (Will I fit in?) REDUCE ANONYMITY.

Start the class by having students share the name they would like to be called AND have them share one personal fact about themselves. This can be a hobby, a special interest, how they enjoy spending their time, a favorite movie, a special song—anything that others in the class can relate to and remember about the student.

For the second, (Will I succeed?)

USE SOME EMPOWERING APPROACH.

Start an assignment or give a test with material so EASY that students’ self-talk becomes, “I can do this!”

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Promoting Learning On: March 10, 2008: 2:34 pm: By Marvin Marshall