Discipline for Smart People    

After presenting in Adelaide, Australia (a lovely and very enjoyable city), I went shopping with my wife. Fortunately, as you will read, I forgot to bring a book.

While waiting for my wife, I spotted a bookstore and purchased a copy of Dale Carnegie’s “HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE.” Originally published in 1936, the book went on to become one of the best-selling books of all time and made Carnegie an international celebrity.

His book was used as the text in my first college speech course, and because it had been years since I first read it, I decided to re-read it.

Carnegie had a gift for expressing profound truths in simple but profound ways. A perfect example is his “SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU”:

Principle 1. Become genuinely interested in other people.

Principle 2. Smile.

Principle 3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

NOTE: It is critical, however, to find and call the person the name that the person WANTS to be called. Oswald hates his name but loves “Ozzie.” Mel feels the same way about Melvin. Mortimer wants to be called “Mort.” Barbara prefers “Barb.” Patricia prefers “Pat.”

POINT: ALWAYS start by asking the name that the person WANTS to be called; if you don’t—even with your best of intentions—you may alienate, rather than create a positive relationship.

Principle 4. Be a good listener, and encourage others to talk about themselves.

Principle 5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

Principle 6. Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely.

Carnegie believed that you could make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.

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Posted In: Increasing Effectiveness On: February 25, 2008: 9:50 am: By Marvin Marshall

VERBAL messages are only one means of communicating.

MOVEMENT is another. For example, choose one place in your classroom where you will stand when you plan to admonish the class. (The same procedure works in the home, too.)

Before saying anything, wait until you move to that one specific location. Young people are very perceptive. When you start walking to that pre-selected location, the class will immediately settle down. Reason: They antipcate what’s coming.

GESTURES are another means of communication. An example was posted at
DisciplineWithoutStress@yahoogroups.com:

I introduce the Hierarchy of Social Development using charts I made downloaded from the web:
Primary Poster and posters.

I demonstrate the “picking up trash” example from the book. My students seem to get the idea right away. I mention that levels ABOVE the line are “THUMBS UP” BEHAVIORS, and levels BELOW the line are “THUMBS DOWN” BEHAVIORS.

I don’t go into detail about the levels after that. When a student is behaving inappropriately, I point to the chart and quietly whisper, “Is that on a thumbs up or thumbs down level?” When they answer, I say, “How can you get it to be thumbs up?”

Now all I have to do is point to the chart and say nothing. The inappropriate behavior is usually immediately abandoned.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Increasing Effectiveness On: February 21, 2008: 9:18 am: By Marvin Marshall

Each time you coerce someone into doing something by using your power of authority, you deprive that person of an opportunity to become more responsible.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Promoting Responsibility On: February 20, 2008: 9:13 am: By Marvin Marshall

The book, “Discipline without Stress^® Punishments or Rewards - How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility and Learning,” has three sections online. One of them has to do with reducing perfectionism. A major point of this section is that a person can not learn and be perfect at the same time. Failure only arrives when a person no longer tries. Failed attempts are learning experiences.

The following is illustrative of this point. It is from one of the support groups (mailring/forum) at DisciplineWithoutStress@yahoogroups:

I used the Raise Responsibility System (RRS) from the teaching model in kindergarten and first grade. There is just no better time to teach responsibility and control. There will be lots of mistakes and some backsliding and a few that don’t seem to get it, as there is with any learning, but it is one of the best things I have ever found. I have had 3 children in the last 3 years (all girls!) who were “off the charts behavior-wise” but didn’t “qualify” for extra help, and I believe RRS kept me sane.

It may not have helped them the years I taught them, just because they couldn’t be responsible in a social way, BUT it sure helped the other students and kept stability in the classroom that wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

RRS is also a wonderful gift to parents who are “looking for something” but don’t know what to do. I guess the best advice I have is to tell you to not feel as if the RRS system has obstacles to overcome so you can use it. Instead think of it as something that will grow with you and you can tweak so it will work for you.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Promoting Learning On: February 19, 2008: 8:46 am: By Marvin Marshall

We can never judge another person’s motivation with complete accuracy. Within a classroom where all the students look as if they are doing the same thing—perhaps quietly and cooperatively completing their assignments—some will be operating to receive a good grade or please the teacher and some will be putting forth effort to learn because they understand that success comes with effort. The teacher may have guesses about the motivation of each student but they are only guesses.

A person’s motivation can be accurately determined ONLY by the person him/herself. That is why it is important that teachers ask questions to promote self-reflection in students. With this approach, we are not TELLING the student what WE think of their actions and their motivations. Ideally, we are striving to help them evaluate what THEY think about their own actions and motivations.

The more attention given to concretely providing specific examples of the highest level in the Hierarchy of Social Development and discussing the benefits of acting on this level, the more likely that young people will be motivated to aspire to this level.

This is one way in which teachers can influence young people. Paradoxically, WHEN SOMETHING IS OFFERED AS A VOLUNTARY CHOICE, IT BECOMES ALL THE MORE ATTRACTIVE.

Using the hierarchy, we can actually show students what it is they need to do in order to be operating at the highest level of social/personal development. In fact, this is the ONLY discipline and learning system that provides such information to students.

Within an environment of positivity, and with a conscious effort on the part of the teacher to find meaningful and frequent opportunities to discuss the hierarchy, you will find that many students will CHOOSE to take advantage of that information on a more regular basis.

Thanks to Kerry Weisner. Check out her blog at Discipline Answers.

Also, more information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Discipline without Stress On: February 18, 2008: 2:37 pm: By Marvin Marshall

Kids who can control their impulses do better in school.

Most people believe that intelligence plays the key role in children’s academic achievement. A recent study by Pennsylvania State University researchers, however, found that the ability to self-regulate—to pay attention to a task and inhibit impulsive behavior—was more important than intelligence for early academic success.

The study focused on three-to-five-year-olds and showed that preschoolers’ capacity for self-control was the best predictor of their performance in math and reading in kindergarten. Scores on intelligence tests were not as closely correlated with academic achievement.

A child’s ability to monitor his or her thinking and behavior develops rapidly during preschool. The data gives concrete support to preschool programs that focus more directly on self-regulation to decrease impulsiveness and instant gratification and that promote attention and awareness of one’s own and others’ thoughts and feelings.

Parents interested in boosting their kids’ school readiness should engage them in activities that involve taking turns and paying attention for sustained periods in order to prompt thoughtful responses.

Teaching a procedure to redirect impulses is an excellent starting point. An example is demonstrated at impulse management.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Promoting Learning On: February 13, 2008: 8:45 am: By Marvin Marshall

Kerry Weisner has cataloged many questions and answers about discipline on her Discipline Answers blog. Her comments below answer a pressing question from many adults who would like to acknowledge appropriate and acceptable behaviors—Level C and D of the hierarchy from the Raise Responsibility System.

Reflection and self-evaluation are key attributes of the system. By referring to the hierarchy, adults can encourage reflection on the higher, desirable levels. After explaining/teaching the hierarchy, the procedure is for the adult to ask the young person to identify the chosen level.

It is unnecessary and even counterproductive to attempt to evaluate the motivation levels of C (external) or D (internal). However, it can be very empowering for young people themselves to assess their own level in various situations. By becoming consciously aware of the powerful inner feelings of satisfaction arising from Level D, young people often feel a desire to aim for this higher level again. This should be encouraged; yet, effective acknowledgment of Level D requires some further insight.

By definition, Level D refers to motivation that is prompted by taking the initiative to do what is right—regardless of external factors. In other words, the MOTIVATION at this level is a desire to do the right thing simply because it is the right thing to do without any intention to impress or please another or to avoid some type of punishment.

When parents, teachers, and other adults witness such behavior, they are so moved that they often want to reinforce it. The intention is admirable because the young person may not consciously be aware of the decision to act from this highest level. How is this accomplished? How does an adult encourage repetition of such admirable motivation?

The answer is by the adult’s own modeling of reflection. This can be as simple as the adult saying, “I wonder what level that was on?” Without an understanding of this important point, adults may revert to external approaches by giving praise and rewards that promote external motivation—Level C, rather than Level D.

The point to remember here is that external rewards change motivation. Research studies consistently show that if Level D motivation is repeatedly reinforced with Level C-type recognition, there is a greater likelihood that in the future the child’s motivation level will actually drop to that of Level C. For example, studies show that children rewarded or praised for demonstrating caring and kind behavior will actually exhibit less genuine caring and kindness in the future, which of course is not what the well-meaning adults intended at all. Therefore, in order to effectively reinforce Level D motivation, the adult should simply prompt the child to reflect on his or her level—thus bringing attention to it. As mentioned above, the adult begins by prompting reflection, but instead of waiting for a response or engaging in further conversation, the adult simply asks the rhetorical question, “I wonder what level that was on?” or catches the child’s eye, smiles, and walks away. This leaves the youngster to reflect on the highest level and experience the positive and powerful feelings inherently associated with Level D motivation.

At first, merely modeling reflective questioning doesn’t seem like enough for many people who are accustomed to reinforcing desirable behavior by external manipulatives through praise and rewarding. New approaches often feel odd and uncomfortable at first. Yet, people who truly want to encourage more consistent higher level motivation and resulting behavior will take a leap of faith. They will start by reflecting on their goal (Level C–obtaining obedience or level D–promoting responsibility). They will model their own behavior accordingly and will prompt those they are trying to influence by asking reflective questions for further self-evaluation.

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Discipline without Stress On: February 12, 2008: 9:07 am: By Marvin Marshall

You might have read recently that some school districts are beginning to offer money as an INCENTIVE to students to increase school attendance. Since the incentive of money appeals to most people, this may appear to be a rational approach.

Let’s start with a clarification regarding INCENTIVES, REWARDS, AND EMPLOYMENT.

An INCENTIVE, such as money, can be a MOTIVATOR.

Receiving money, which occurs AFTER the action, is the EXTERNAL REWARD.

It is important to remember, however, that the REWARD TEACHERS receive can be such things as satisfaction from the creativity of lessons and instruction, watching the young grow and mature, and relationships with students.

The TEACHER’S REWARD IS NOT MONEY—as many teachers assume, e.g., “I wouldn’t be working if I were not being given a reward.” No doubt, money is an INCENTIVE for wanting to be hired—but MONEY IS NOT THE REWARD for teaching. Once someone is employed, a SOCIAL CONTRACT has been created: SALARY/compensation IN EXCHANGE FOR SERVICE. A salary is not a bribe in the same sense that some teachers and parents use rewards to manipulate young people.

The ASSUMPTION that adding incentives always helps is false. There are circumstances in which adding an incentive competes with other motives and diminishes their impact. Psychologists have known this for more than 30 years.

In one example, nursery school children were given the opportunity to draw with special markers. After playing, some of the children were given “good player” awards. Later, the markers were reintroduced to the classroom, and researchers kept track of which children used them. The youngsters previously given awards were less likely to draw at all and drew worse pictures than those who were not given awards.

Why did this happen? Children draw because drawing is fun. The rewards for drawing are INTRINSIC TO THE ACTIVITY ITSELF.

The “good player” award is aimed at giving children another reason to draw: to earn a reward. Children want recognition. But the chance for RECOGNITION UNDERMINES THE FUN, so that later, in the absence of a chance to earn another award, the children are no longer interested in drawing. Simply stated, rewards change motivation.

The intrinsic rewards of learning aren’t working for many young people today. It may be that the current state of achievement is low enough that it’s worth trying anything. Or it may be that cash will get kids started, after which they can be weaned. But it’s plausible that when students get paid to go to class and do well on tests, they will be even LESS INTERESTED IN THE WORK than they would be if no incentives were present. In addition, as with all rewards, they require an increase in order to retain motivation for them.

THE INCENTIVES MAY MAKE THE LEARNING PROBLEM WORSE IN THE LONG RUN—EVEN IF IT IMPROVES ACHIEVEMENT IN THE SHORT RUN. Perhaps worse, the plan will distract us from a more important question: What makes schools turn eager-to-learn primary students into older, unmotivated ones?

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Promoting Learning On: February 11, 2008: 2:58 pm: By Marvin Marshall

ASSUMPTION is the cause of much NEGATIVITY.

Following is an example of negative emotions PROMPTED BY AN ASSUMPTION.

Suppose your supervisor asks you to stop in the office before leaving for the day. When I recently mentioned this scenario at a presentation, I heard a great groan. Then I made the point: You assumed that the conversation would be negative. You didn’t know that; you just assumed it.

This negative assumption may be natural, but it’s not inevitable. You have a choice regarding your self-talk. You don’t have to ASSUME the situation would have been a negative one. Just hold it in abeyance by redirecting your thoughts. Why prompt negative feeling when it is not necessary? As I clearly demonstrate in my presentations, what we think prompts how we feel.

ASSUMPTION can be the cause of many BOTCHED SITUATIONS.

I was not able to connect to the Internet. I contacted my Internet service provider (ISP). Rather than speaking to someone in technical support, I found myself speaking to someone in the accounts payable department. It appears as if I had not paid my bill. But the telephones were still working! I was advised that the Internet service is stopped first before the telephones are disconnected because there is no charge for re-establishing an Internet connection whereas if the telephones were to be disconnected, there would be a reconnection charge.

I couldn’t believe it! The one time in my entire life that I received a bill of non-payment and did not follow up on it! You guessed it; this was it. I had received a non-payment bill from the telephone company and ASSUMED that, since my bills are automatically charged to my credit card, there was a mistake on the part of the phone company. BAD ASSUMPTION!

The root of the problem was that the telephone company had an old credit card on file carrying a June expiration date. This was August. Somehow the telephone company had not been notified of my newer credit card expiration date. I was assured that the system would be up again within three hours.

Four hours passed. My Internet connection still was not working. Did I ASSUME it would be repaired in due course? Nope! I called; somehow the order had not gone through. The company reinstated the service while I waited on the phone.

But the saga continued. I received e-mail from Jacksonville, Mississippi where I was scheduled to give a keynote presentation. The communication stated that the party attempted to call me but that my telephone was not in working order. I responded by sending the party three phone numbers that could be used to contact me.

The next morning I tried to make a phone call, but the telephone land line was not working. I called the telephone company using my mobile phone. My original conversation about paying the bill and requesting the reinstatement of all telephone lines could not be honored. But I was not so informed. (Due to additional services on other lines, the phone company sends me two bills). I ASSUMED that both bills were paid. I was politely informed that, since I receive two different bills, it was necessary to contact the accounts payable department and pay each bill SEPARATELY—which I did instantaneously.

ASSUMPTION can be the cause of MISSED OPPORTUNITIES.

Last month at an inservice to 110 teachers, the principal who introduced me gave me a beautiful opening. As she started to introduce me, she suddenly stopped, went to the trash barrel, spit out her gum, and reminded teachers to have students spit out their gum as they enter classrooms.

So, one of my opening statements was that ASSUMPTION CAN BE THE CAUSE OF MISSED OPPORTUNITIES. Example: We ASSUME that students know how to spit out their gum WITHOUT OUR FIRST TEACHING A PROCEDURE OF HOW TO DO IT. I suggested that teachers consider having some scrap paper by the waste paper basket to make it easier for students to do what teachers want them to do—AFTER DEMONSTRATING HOW STUDENTS SHOULD DISPOSE OF THEIR CHEWING GUM.

So many problems occur BETWEEN PEOPLE in professional AND in personal RELATIONSHIPS due to INCORRECT ASSUMPTIONS, e.g., “I thought (read: ASSUMED) that you . . . .”

As has been so eloquently stated, “Assumption is the mother of screw-ups.” (Read: negativity, botched situations, missed opportunities, and poor relationships.)

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Increasing Effectiveness On: February 8, 2008: 9:35 am: By Marvin Marshall

A teacher recently shared a story with me about one of the oddest conversations the teacher ever had with a child. He was with a very bright, yet disruptive 7 year old. He had a history of misbehavior at school with lots of office time and suspensions.

At the beginning of the year, the writer sat with the young lad after a minor infraction. During the conversation the teacher casually said something about, “Well, you know I can’t MAKE you behave; that’s something you have to want to do for yourself.”

The little boy responded, “You HAVE to make me behave. That’s your job.”

We must have spent about 15 minutes in a conversation that ended up centering, not on the misbehavior that had occurred, but on the idea that he had somehow picked up from kindergarten and first grade that it was MY job to be in charge of HIS behavior. He pointed out that I should or could use behavior charts (he knew of several) or prizes or stickers. He had all sorts of suggestions for me of ways I could change his behavior. It was hysterical, and he was not very pleased initially that I was not interested in buying into any of this stuff.

Needless to say, although it took a while, this child did eventually figure out how to be in charge of his behavior in our classroom. I think and hope that the lessons he learned served him better in the future than his notion of teachers controlling him. What an eye-opener for what we do to kids with some of our behavior systems!

More information on this topic is available at http://www.marvinmarshall.com.

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Posted In: Promoting Responsibility On: February 7, 2008: 8:50 am: By Marvin Marshall