Discipline for Smart People    

Implementing the three practices of positivity, choice, and reflection may feel awkward at first. This is natural. Unlike youth, who find little risk in attempting new activities, adults have established patterns and often feel anxious and uncomfortable when attempting something different from what they have already been doing. Realizing this at the outset will make it easier to attempt something new. Doing something new or different requires making new habits, new neural connections. Practice makes permanent, and you will soon find that practicing the simple suggestions will become easier.

Think of a rocket or a space mission. Most of the energy, most of the thrust, has to do with breaking away—to surge past the gravitational pull.

Once you get past the pull of your habitual approach, you will steadily become more effective in implementing the new approach. You will enjoy the satisfaction of your new successes.

Trust the process. As you continue to use positivity, empower with choice, and hone the skill of asking reflective questions, you will grow. And so will the people with whom you deal.

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Posted In: Promoting Responsibility On: December 14, 2007: 8:50 am: By Marvin Marshall

This is a follow-up from a discussion about a school’s policy mandating the giving of rewards for expected standards of behavior.

At a recent faculty meeting, it was announced that the “Positive Behavior Support” team met and decided what they need to do to reduce referrals to the office; bribe the kids! If there were no negative contacts (home phone call or note or trip to the office) for the rest of the week, then the following sorts of rewards would take place: kindergartners and first graders would get an ice cream sandwich at lunch, second graders would get to do a craft project, third graders would get to dance around in the cafeteria after lunch, etc.

The next day, during our class meeting, I told my class (not for the first time) that most adults I know believe that the best way to motivate children is to bribe them with promises of treats. I told them about the ice cream sandwich and we all agreed that of course we all want one! We also discussed how this probably wouldn’t make anyone behave or not behave for four school days. I told them how much more capable I think they are—that I don’t believe they need bribes and that we would ALL have an ice cream sandwich party just because we’re a team and it’s a time of year for celebrations.

I can’t imagine giving ice cream sandwiches to, let’s say, 18 kids who sit there smiling and enjoying them while three kids are hurt, angry, resentful, and possibly crying. Maybe one of them lost control on a Wednesday—but was really “good” for the rest of the days and by today barely remembers what happened on Wednesday. (I have seen this scenario: one little boy crying and angry because he didn’t get to go to the “prize box” on Friday because of an infraction on Monday. He’d been great Tuesday - Friday but the rule was one infraction and no prize box.) To me, it would be just like sitting at the dining room table at home and giving dessert to the family members who I thought “deserved” dessert, making the others sit there without. That makes NO SENSE!

I have given up on influencing others, but I can still control what I do in my class!

P.S. When I told my assistant about this new “Positive Behavior Support” plan, she agreed with me that kids don’t need to be bribed to behave. She then announced, “Julie (name changed) won’t be getting an ice cream sandwich.” Julie is a bossing, bullying little girl we work with a lot. I said, “Oh, yes she will.” While my assistant raised her eyebrows, I explained that what she had just said is an example of people’s misguided notions. It’s already predictable who would be likely to “lose” and who would be likely to “win” in this ice cream sandwich game.

NOTE: “Punished by Rewards” is the apt title of Alfie Kohn’s tome on this subject.

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Posted In: Promoting Responsibility On: December 13, 2007: 9:29 am: By Marvin Marshall

Hopefully, society is well past the “politically correct” theory (an oxymoron in a democratic society) that the ONLY difference between a male and a female is in socialization, that aside from reproductive organs there is no difference between the sexes neurologically, psychologically, or emotionally.

A boy measures everything he does or says by a single yardstick: “Does this make me look weak?” If it does, he isn’t going to do it. That’s part of the reason that videogames have such a powerful hold on boys. The action is constant; boys can calibrate just how hard the challenges will be; and when they lose, the defeat is private.

With this in mind, it’s important to remember that PUBLIC competition improves performance, but NOT LEARNING. Some students will practice for hours spurred on by the competitive spirit in music competition, athletics, or speech contests. These students are motivated to compete. Competition can be fun, as witnessed by the hours that young people invest in such activities. However, competition is devastating for the youngster—especially the boy—who NEVER FINDS HIMSELF IN THE WINNER’S CIRCLE. Rather than compete, that student drops out by giving up.

As an elementary school principal and the elementary committee chair for one of the regions of the Association of California School Administrators (ACSA), I recommended that the entry age to kindergarten be raised, not lowered. I had seen first hand how so many young boys were not developed enough to handle some of the academic challenges thrust on them.

More and more young boys will become “at-risk” as early as kindergarten because the feeling associated with weakness in the academic skills negatively impinges on their self-talk and self-esteem. I repeat a recurrent theme in my presentations: “People do good when they feel good—not when they feel bad.”

Boys would rather drop out by losing interest and misbehaving than show that they can’t perform. Weakness does not motivate them to want to participate.

Boys need continual encouragement for them to persevere. Also, having them collaborate with each other, rather than compete against each other, can be a significant step in preserving young boys’ positive feelings about their successes.

The three principles to practice of (1) communicating in positive language, (2) reducing coercion by prompting choice-response thinking, and (3) sharing how to act reflectively, rather than reflexively, can also be of significant assistance when dealing with young boys as described in the teaching model.

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Posted In: Promoting Learning On: December 12, 2007: 8:33 am: By Marvin Marshall

Happiness is the result of a myriad of little decisions made every day. To be happy in the New Year—and each and every day thereafter—REFLECT BEFORE you make those little decisions. Two questions to ask yourself are, “What’s my goal in doing this?” and “How will I feel if I achieve it?”

For example, if our daughter did something that was irresponsible, I could ask myself, “Is my goal to punish her?” “And, if I do, how will I feel?” (And how would she feel?)

Or, I could ask myself, “Is my goal is to help her make more responsible decisions?” “And if I achieve this goal, how will I feel?” (And how would she feel?)

It’s decisions like these that so impact our lives. They can bring us frustration and grief—or satisfaction and joy. The latter brings happiness, which makes us more effective.

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Posted In: Increasing Effectiveness On: December 11, 2007: 2:40 pm: By Marvin Marshall

There is a story about an old and wise martial arts master who invited his new student to share tea and conversation and to begin the teacher-student relationship. The student—who already had much training from other teachers—looked eager and ready to learn and said, “Teach me, master, how to be a great fighter.”

The wise master reached over with the teapot and began to pour the tea. He continued to pour even after the cup filled to the top. Tea began pouring down the sides. The student panicked, “It is already full. Why are you still pouring?”

The master responded, “So too, is your mind. It is filled with previous knowledge and experiences. You must empty your mind of everything you already know in order to receive new knowledge, or I cannot teach you.”

So it is with promoting responsibility. Using the external manipulators of rewarding for appropriate behavior and imposing punishments for inappropriate behavior aim at obedience. OBEDIENCE DOES NOT CREATE DESIRE. Since responsibility is never achieved unless taken (regardless of its being given), DESIRE is essential for developing this characteristic.

One must empty the cup of external motivation thinking in order to influence a person to WANT to be responsible. The reason is that the most effective way to influence a person is to induce the person to influence himself. External approaches lack this essential ingredient. Internal motivation is far more powerful and effective in long-lasting changes of behavior and character development than are punishments or rewards.

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Posted In: Promoting Responsibility On: December 10, 2007: 8:49 am: By Marvin Marshall

Never, never, never tell another person YOUR ASSESSMENT OF THAT PERSON. (This does not refer to a person’s behavior.)

The fact of life is that one never truly knows enough about a person to do that. Recently, overhearing a couple who have been married for many years, I heard the wife say to her husband, “I didn’t expect you to think that way.” She was pleasantly surprised by her husband’s take on a situation.

In this same vein of never completely knowing another person, a very successful teacher told me that her high school counselor told her that she was not smart enough to go to college.

(Although college does require a minimum of academic skills, perseverance is a far better determiner of college success than innate intelligence.)

Certainly the counselor can explain what success in college entails, but by labeling a person as “not smart enough” (although it can spur some people to prove the other person wrong) too often it has a devastating effect because it removes hope, the basic and necessary ingredient for perseverance and success.

The message we should be giving to a person of any age is the main message of Les Brown, one of the most famous of professional speakers who spent his entire school years in special education classes. His message:

Don’t let someone else’s opinion of you shape your reality.

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Posted In: Improving Relationships On: December 9, 2007: 6:25 pm: By Marvin Marshall